Locking my Heart

I am grateful for the good life I had. Most of my life was smooth sailing. No major bumps. I just "go with the flow". However, when something bad happens, I crumbled. A big smile on the outside but a broken heart within. It was hard opening up to anyone because it is not my nature to.

Talking to someone about my problems just reignite the emotional hurt and anger. Usually, I would ignore my emotions and force myself to forget the incident. But this time, I did gabbed about it to a few of my close friends. It was days after enduring the stabbing pain in the heart.

I finally understood the meaning of  "heartbroken". The pain was intense. It was like as though someone smashed my glass heart. A part of it was broken into small pieces, and I was frantically trying to glue it back together. I felt helpless. No one was able to help me.

Emotions are tricky to handle. Be it pain or love or hate. These feelings just popped out of no where and can easily overtake your actions in a heartbeat, if you let them to. But, I believe that these emotions are what that makes us humans. I really need to learn how to handle these wild horses...  


"Time heals". Does it, really? I think it does. But depending on the healing process, there might be the presence of scars. For me, I have a scar. Every time I recall that moment, I can feel the stabbing pain. The intensity of that pain is lesser but it is still there. It affects me greatly. I question the notion of "trust". Why should I trust anyone? The letdown is so much more if it involves someone I trust.

At the back of my head, I know it is not possible to live without trusting anyone. I am not going to allow myself to become paranoid of others. I am not going to close my heart to others. I have done that before and it is not a life. I would be a robot, doing what I am required and feeling empty inside.

For now, I need time to heal. Not to heal the cut but to heal the scar. I am locking my heart temporarily...